Staying Together for the Children (and why I think it’s dumb)

Written By: miss_t - Apr• 27•12

“We’re staying together for the children.”

 

I’m sure I’ll ruffle a few feathers here, but I have a pretty strong opinion about this and lately I’ve been crossing paths with a lot of men and women in this very position.

I can understand the good intentions and I can also understand a parent’s desire to place their children’s needs ahead of their own, naturally. And all my respect to the parents who want to set a good example for their children and provide them a stable, loving home.

But is it?

I know a lot of unhappily married folks – as I am sure we all do. Married couples that are no longer in love, yet they go through the daily motions simply because that’s ‘the only choice’.

But it boggles my mind every time I hear it.

“For the children.”

Society tells us that we have to have two parents and live under the same roof to be considered a ‘family’. Most parents think if they actually care about their own happiness as well, their children will grow up to be scorned for life. Some children are also taught that if they don’t have a mommy and a daddy that live together – they aren’t normal.

I think it’s completely ridiculous.

Some parents are pretty darn good at disguising unhappiness. But kids aren’t stupid. They can detect tension. They can detect unhappiness. And even if the parents aren’t fighting, they know when something isn’t right.

I know, I was one of them.

What does staying together for the children really say?

It says it’s okay to be unhappy. It’s okay to not value yourself enough to find your true happiness. It’s okay to settle. It’s okay to live in perpetual misery.

One might argue that it teaches ‘commitment’ – but why does commitment have to be confined to four walls and a roof?

And given that we tell children, “you deserve to be happy”, isn’t that kind of hypocritical?

Should we not then, be leading by example?

In my opinion, what we should really be teaching our children is that a true family doesn’t depend on marital status.

A ‘family’ will be committed to each other and love each other just the same no matter how many roofs they live under.

Unconditional love.

THAT is family.

My parents (whom I love more than anything) separated when I was in my twenties. Growing up though, I knew that even though they did love each other – they weren’t ‘in love’. And I can say with honesty, I have never once felt any less loved because we weren’t contained under the same roof.

And yes, most parents ‘stick it out’ until the children are older, have the ability to understand, won’t be effected ‘as much’. Understandable, but as an adult now seeking to find my own happiness – I can’t help but feel my own sense of guilt. Perhaps had they not ‘stayed together for the children’, they would have had many more opportunities to find their true happiness a long time ago.

Looking back, had I been a child – I would have got through it. Personally, I don’t think a short time of discomfort should be set aside in exchange for years of unhappiness. Life is too short, but that’s just me.

Now, I don’t believe divorce should be an easy solution either, and obviously comes with it’s own negatives. But, in the long run… just as parents want their children to be happy – children want their parents to be happy.

Unhappy parents = unhappy children.

If we want our children to focus on their happiness as they grow older, we have to do the same. The happier you are – the more love you have to give. And what’s wrong with that?

If it’s handled with maturity and dignity – separating for the children can be the best thing ever.

Posted in A New Perspective, In Real Life, Living the Single Life, Uncategorized , , , , | 9 Comments »

i thanks u

Written By: miss_t - Apr• 24•12

im gonna right this entir post like da peeple on da dating sights that usally writ me so i hope u understand….. also if any of thems r readin this they can understand to lol

my name tanis an i think everdayz is a good one an u shuld alwayz put ur best foot forwerd. u shuld also smile to!!! LOL :) :) :)

ya i wuld on day lik to meat sumone that apprecates inteligence an liks to be adventurus an i fine attraktiv and good grammmer an i beleve ther is that persen out their !!

but if u have found that sumone or not,,, u must also rember happieness comes from the kore!

i think that sum of us hav many in comon and i just wants to say thank uuuu for takin time to read my storeys and thauts and for ur coments lolol. i truley apprecate it more then u kno.

Over the coarse of my experences i hav come to kno a few things and i hope they resonate with u as they hav for mee:

1. sometiemes good things fall apart so bettr thingz can come 2gether
2. attak life becuz afterall it killz u
3.  only u can make u true happy,,, once u hav that erything else is ising on da cake
4. the littlest thingz make the biggest diffurences
5.  spell chek is a grate invention when tryin to meet sumeone use it

Alright… I can’t take it anymore. If you’ve read up until this point with keeping your sanity in check – not only welcome to my world – but thank you!

Misspelled story short, if you’ve ever stumbled across this site and taken the time out of your day to read my ramblings – I appreciate it.

I thank u!!!
:)
:)
:)

Posted in A New Perspective, In Real Life, Online Dating Messages, The Single Advantage, Uncategorized , , , | 3 Comments »

Why You’re Parents Were Right: You Shouldn’t Date Until You’re 30

Written By: miss_t - Apr• 23•12

“You’re not allowed to date until you’re 30 years old.”

This is what most parents say to their children. And most children scoff at the ridiculousness of it.

I certainly did.

No way, Mom, Dad… I have my life figured out and it’s going to be full of rainbows and butterflies and unicorns and white picket fences!

But I love him! And he loves me! And you don’t know what you’re talking about! We’re going to live happily ever after and I’m going to put you and your ridiculous ‘rules’ to shame!

(In my case, it was more like… “But I love him and he loves me, and I don’t care if he has a criminal record! And it doesn’t matter if he doesn’t have a job because we’re sooooo in love and don’t need anything except eachother and unemployment insurance pays good enough!”)

I never actually took much stock in the whole “no-dating-til-you’re-30 thing”.

Until it started happening.

Here I am, pushing 30 – and though I’ve had a few relationships in the earlier years (which DID help me grow)… I’ve been single for the last five. But then again… given the quality of some of the men from the last five years… well, suffice to say – I’ve had no choice but to adhere to such a ridiculous rule.

But it’s likely the best thing that’s ever happened to me.

In reality, when parents tell their children they shouldn’t date until they’re 30 – they’re right. Even though it goes completely ignored, it’s likely one of the wisest pieces of advice parents can ever tell their children.

It makes perfect sense.

I look around at a lot of my friends, school mates and random people I’ve met over the years, many of which had it all figured out just like me – except took it one step further and married their high school or college sweet heart.

Kudos to the few that stuck it out and did in fact defy their parents and ARE still living happily ever after.

The bulk of them however? Filing divorce papers. Or living in complacency – because they don’t know anything else and the mere thought of stepping away from what is comfortable scares them shitless.  And some, in complete misery.

Despite how ignorant we are when we are younger – a person doesn’t really know themselves until their 30 (give or take a few years). And if you’re 30 and still have a criminal record – you’ll probably never figure it out.

And it’s not until you understand and have a good relationship with the ‘self’ – that you can have a lasting relationship with another.

I’m not saying ‘don’t date’ completely – each and every one of my past relationships helped me to discover myself even more. They helped me to grow and discover what it is I both do want – and don’t want. Having said that – it’s important to take time to ‘date yourself’.

Most couples that forge together at a young age don’t know themselves. When you finally start to discover your ‘self’ – you either grow together, or you grow apart. Most grow apart.

In some regards, I’m still figuring out myself – I never stop learning or growing. But, after spending some time getting to know my ‘self’ – what I know about my ‘self’ now compared to ten years ago has allowed me to fully understand what it is in me that I have to offer someone else and their ‘self’.

And it’s really only now that I feel comfortable with my ‘self’ to do so.

Now, if only everyone listened to their parents – our divorce rate might be lower.

Not only that, us single folks might have something to chose from… because let me tell you… when you’re my age – most are either married, emotionally scarred, have too many kids, too much baggage, or 30 going on 16.

Listen to your parents kids! No dating until you’re 30!!

Posted in In Real Life, Living the Single Life, Online Dating Messages, The Single Advantage, Uncategorized , , , , , , | 5 Comments »

Toilet Seats and Independence

Written By: miss_t - Apr• 19•12

There are many joys of being single. In the last five years of flying solo I’ve learned a great deal about myself, the art of self confidence, self reliance and self motivation.  Not only that, I have never really had anyone to answer to, I can take up the entire bed, shave my legs whenever I feel like it and I never have to remind anyone to put the toilet seat down.

While I would recommend to everyone to take time to get to know themselves, there are some definite draw backs to being single for a lengthy period of time – other than the very near reclamation of virginity.

Over-independence.

Not that I think being too independant is a bad thing – it’s the challenge of finding other like minded individuals that you’re both (A) attracted to, (B) have intellect and (C) put the toilet seat down.

It can get to be a real pain in the ass. No pun intended.

Don’t get me wrong, hanging out with yourself is awesome. But there are times when it would be nice to have someone to share a few things with. For example, I want to go skydiving for my 30th birthday and it would be pretty sweet to share that kind of experience. I wouldn’t mind having someone randomly to do shit with – like road trips, camp trips and other what-nots here and there. I also wouldn’t mind un-reclaiming my near-reclaimed virginity while gravity is still working with me and not against me.

Having said that – I don’t want to have someone there ALL THE TIME. Not only that, the free time that I do have at this stage in my life is pretty limited and whomever is going to take it up, has to be pretty awesome.

I prefer men that have their own things going on. Sadly, there are not that many men – at least that I’ve met – that understand an overly-independent person’s concept of space.

So, on behalf of all happily single people out there – WE ARE OVER INDEPENDENT AND LIKE OUR SPACE.

This certainly doesn’t speak for all men – but mainly for those I’ve been meeting recently. Normally, most I meet – at first glance, seem to understand independence, and even pride themselves on their own.

Then, before you know it… it’s:

“What are you doing today?”
“What are you doing tonight?”
“What are you doing now?”
“How about now?”
“What are you doing tomorrow?”
“Or how about now?”
“Now?”
“Do you miss me yet?”
“Make time for me, pleeeease.”

Now, this might be suitable for the relationship-y serial dating type of folks. But for those of us who suffer from over-independence, there is no bigger annoyance than someone who wants and needs your time ALL THE TIME.

The only time I want to be completely smothered by a man is un-reclaiming my nearly-reclaimed virginity.

Posted in A New Perspective, In Real Life, Living the Single Life, Online Dating Messages, The Single Advantage, Uncategorized , , , | 5 Comments »

Doghouses and ‘Significant’ Others

Written By: miss_t - Apr• 13•12

I feel like venting today.

You know what irritates me?

People with “significant others”. Married people. People in “committed relationships”.

No, I’m not talking about the happy ones (I know many that are very happy).

To be more specific – I’m talking about the ones that live in fear. Because let’s face it, there’s a lot of them.

Fear of the doghouse. Ruffling feathers. Walking on eggshells. Etc, etc.

Yes, I know  a lot of men (and women) that live this way. Personally, I think it’s silly.

When asked if they are ‘happy’, their answer a wimpy, “Yeah I guess”, or “I’m content”, or “It is what it is” or “Meh”.

Perhaps the way I view my future relationship is a bit of a fairy tale - but I really don’t think so.  I don’t think that respect and support is only available in the movies. Besides, I’d rather live in my dreams – in my beach house with my fictitious man off the coast of Bora Bora than settle for a quaint little house with a white picket fence chalk full of eggshells on the inside.

Even if eggshells are cheaper than hardwood.

I can’t really speak for the women I know, because most of them are single, too. The others – seem to have pretty solid relationships. And the others wouldn’t have a clue what to do if they had to venture out without their man or didn’t have a dual bank account. So let’s just forget about the ladies for now.

I have a fair amount of male friends.  Many whom are married, single, and many who describe their relationship status as “it’s complicated”.

Over the years, I’ve seen a lot of instances where the man sets aside something he would like to do, because “the significant other wouldn’t approve”. Things as simple as having a beer with the buddies… or attending an event… joining a club… anything really… because heaven forbid, there might be… *gasp*… girls there.

And if it’s not because there’s *gasp* girls there, it’s simply because the “significant other” is anal retentive about the man having any kind of life without her.

In my opinion – a true relationship – supports those beer filled nights with the buddies and won’t make you sleep in the doghouse because of it. Because let’s face it – getting stuffed into the doghouse with a massive hangover is no fun at all.

Now, I understand some men have temptations and perhaps the women have a good reason to be jealous – but let me tell you, if that’s the case and you need to seek excitement elsewhere – then you’re probably not in the right relationship in the first place.

And then there’s the men who are legitimately good guys – and the women are full blown insecure, jealous tyrants. If that’s the case, you’re probably not in the right relationship, either.

In my opinion, the term “significant other” should have significant meaning…

Significant support.

Significant repsect.

Significant trust.

Significant communication.

Significant honesty.

Significant ability to be your own person, and significant ability to be even better when you’re together.

SIGNIFICANCE!!

And all the other little things that make that person and the relationship “significant”. Because really, without those… all you are left with is tied to a relationship with someone who is an “other”.

And what’s special about being just an-other?

I understand relationships come with sacrifice and a whole lot of compramise – but quite honestly, if I had to seek approval or ask for ‘permission’, I think I’d rather be in jail – where the food and shelter is free.

I’m going to stay out of jail for now though – because it looks like it’s going to be a nice day here in Bora Bora.

Posted in A New Perspective, In Real Life, Living the Single Life, Online Dating Messages, Uncategorized , , , , , , , | 4 Comments »
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